Bouncing my baby boy on my knee all I could hear was ‘hurt him, hurt him’

BOUNCING her five-month-old son Henry on her knee while he cooed, smiled and babbled, Ivana Poku couldn’t bring herself to look at him.

Seconds later, the mum-of-three, then 33, strapped her baby son next to his twin brother Mason in his rocker and fled to her bedroom, locking herself in while intrusive thoughts raced through her mind.

“He was on my lap and all I could hear was ‘hurt him, hurt him’,” Ivana, from Dunfermline, Fife, tells Sun Health.

“A tiny shred of my sanity told me to make him safe and move away from him before I did something awful. Thankfully I did or I’m not sure he’d still be here.”

Ivana, who suffered from postpartum depression after her twins were born in 2016 is bravely speaking out after the jailing of Alice Mackey in October.

Alice killed her two-year-old daughter, Annabel, in September 2023. The 42-year-old drowned her in the local village pond in Oakhanger, Hampshire.

Alice was suffering postpartum depression and anxiety like Ivana, and was found guilty after admitting manslaughter by reason of diminished responsibility.

When she was sentenced to four years at Winchester Crown Court on October 6, judge Mr Justice Saini said she falsely believed her daughter was better off dead after suffering under a “bad mother”.

“Alice needs understanding and help, not hatred and punishment,” says Ivana.

“What happened to Annabel is awful and heartbreaking, but could have been avoided if support existed.”

Having been in a similar place when her twins were born, in 2016, Ivana, the founder of parenting group Mums Journey, says: “I hated people saying ‘Oh you must be so happy to have such healthy beautiful babies.

“All I felt was darkness. I felt desperate. I’d think about hurting them.”

Cases like Alice’s, tragically, are not unique.

Last year, Hayley MacFarlane, 39, from Barnsley, was given an indefinite hospital order for smothering her five-month-old daughter Evelyn on a walk in December 2023.

The mum had sought mental health support for her condition. She can only be discharged from hospital if the Secretary of State for Justice agrees.

It’s not a new problem, either – 55-year-old Joanne Sharkey, from Liverpool, was given a two-year suspended sentence after being found guilty of murdering her baby son Callum in 1998 while in the grip of postnatal depression.

But she was not sentenced until April this year, after cold case detectives solved the case.

“Rates of post-partum depression are increasing,” says Ivana.

A tiny shred of my sanity told me to make him safe and move away from him before I did something awful. Thankfully I did or I’m not sure he’d still be here.

Ivana Poku

“In 2014, 10 per cent of women had PPD, it went up to 16 per cent in 2018 and then 24 per cent during the pandemic.

“Postpartum depression is incredibly real. You don’t feel love for your baby, you don’t feel joy. Yes, you love them but not in the way you think you should.

“At best you feel nothing and at worst you want to harm them.

“Something dark takes over your mind. It’s not the real you. At times, the intrusive thoughts loomed so large it felt deafening.”

TRAGEDY UNLESS TREATED

DR Helen Wall, a GP at The Oaks Family Practice in Bolton, explains how this can happen.

She tells Sun Health: “Postpartum depression is mainly hormone-driven. After giving birth, there’s a sudden drop in oestrogen and progesterone, which impacts serotonin and dopamine — key brain chemicals that regulate mood and brain function.

“Sleep deprivation, the physical recovery from childbirth, thyroid changes, and iron deficiency – common after pregnancy – can all add to this.

“At the severe end of the spectrum, postpartum psychosis can occur — a psychiatric emergency involving hallucinations, delusions, and loss of connection with reality, which can be dangerous for both mother and baby.”

Having helped countless women in 16 years, Dr Helen says more needs to be done to help women with the condition which can end in tragedy unless treated.

“Around one in eight to ten women experience postpartum depression,” says Dr Helen.

“It’s often underdiagnosed or not recorded properly, which is part of the problem.”

Barrister Karlia Lykourgou from Doughty Street Chambers, who has experience in cases like Alice’s, says the issue is also incredibly legally complex.

“The law recognises that there must be punishment where an offence is committed against another,” she says.

“But women who commit offences against their children are special cases.

“While there must be compassion for the loss of young, innocent lives, we must also look with compassion on these women whose actions are usually down to an interplay of severe mental health imbalances, immaturity, desperation and vulnerability.”

‘I THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING THEM IN THEIR SLEEP’

While friends and family congratulated Ivana and her husband, Yaw, on the birth of their twins, Ivana says she felt nothing special for her sons when they came into the world.

“There was nothing in my mind that made me happy when I looked at them,” she admits.

“I’d watch them sleep and think ‘what if I killed them?’ And the thought of life being like it was before they were born bought me comfort.

“I would actually feel sad when I thought back to my old life. It felt like my life was over when the babies arrived. Overnight, everything changed – nothing I was used to existed anymore, and it was incredibly scary.”

If someone is struggling, it’s really important they reach out for help early — before it becomes deeply ingrained and harder to treat.

Dr Helen Wall

Dr Helen says the symptoms can escalate without intervention.

“It’s important to distinguish postpartum depression from the baby blues, which are very common and occur when hormones fluctuate shortly after birth but usually resolve within two weeks,” she says.

“Postpartum depression, on the other hand, lasts longer and is much more severe. Common symptoms include persistent low mood and tearfulness, anxiety and irritability, loss of enjoyment in usual activities, excessive guilt, feeling detached from oneself or, sometimes, from the baby, sleep and appetite changes and intrusive or distressing thoughts.

“If someone is struggling, it’s really important they reach out for help early — before it becomes deeply ingrained and harder to treat.”

Ivana sought help after being encouraged by her husband, Yaw.

“But even when I did, it took a long time to come.

“Not long after [the twins] were born I remember crying in front of the midwife and saying I felt so low, but I had to wait months for CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy] sessions and they weren’t 1:1 either.

“I had anti-depressants at home from a previous prescription, but I waited a year for therapy. “The anti-depressants helped me function but I felt like a horrible mum constantly. I felt ashamed. I didn’t feel love, I felt nothing – just numb.”

Speaking of mums like Alice, Joanne and Hayley, Ivana says: “I’m so sorry for them.

“Locking women up who do this doesn’t help.

“There needs to be good post-partum education about the condition, not just for the women who become mothers but for their entire support network.”

Dr Helen says many women stay silent for fear of losing their babies or having them taken away, which she says is the last thing health professionals want to do.

“It’s worth stressing that reaching out for help does not mean your baby will be taken away,” she says.

“That’s a major fear that prevents many women from speaking up. The goal of healthcare professionals is to support mothers and keep families together, not separate them. “Safeguarding checks are only to ensure safety and to get additional help in place if needed. There is help available, and recovery is absolutely possible.

“The hardest step is often the first one: reaching out.”

Ivana is campaigning for hospitals to have a weekly drop-in group for new mothers to share their mental health experiences with professionals who can help.

“It just needs to be something simple and accessible,” says Ivana.

“PPD isn’t like a cold that you can just wake up from. You need proper help and support.

“The news stories show what happens when it’s not.

“I’m fortunate I had support and was given a space to speak up, I honestly don’t know what would have happened to me or my sons if I didn’t.”

INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

Ivana and Yaw had their third son in 2021, and again, she suffered – but nothing like what she experienced with Henry and Mason.

She says: “I knew what to do and I spoke about it straight away with my midwife and health visitors. Thankfully, it didn’t last.”

Ivana has written a book about her experiences called Motherhood The Unspoken, and her message for any mums reading this who have felt like harming their own babies, is: “If you have intrusive thoughts it’s so important you reach out. Whether it’s to a friend, a loved one, or a professional. Bottling it up is the fastest way into the arms of depression.

“Strap your child into their bouncer, rocker, highchair or somewhere they’re safe and move away from them.

“Call someone right now – anyone and open up.

“You might be ashamed but small steps can lead to big differences. You can’t immunise against intrusive thoughts but you can share them – that’s the only way we’ll save the lives of babies like Annabel, Callum and Evelyn.”